Life as the Eldest, Parentified Daughter
Life as the Eldest, Parentified Daughter
Written by: Janine ChengPublished on January 18, 2025The role of the eldest daughter in many families, particularly in immigrant or high-stress households, is often shaped by a set of expectations that can go beyond the typical responsibilities of sibling relationships. The eldest daughter may become the "parentified" child—taking on adult roles of responsibility, caregiving, and emotional labor at a young age. This experience can be overwhelming, leaving the parentified daughter to navigate complex feelings of loyalty, guilt, and personal identity without adequate parental support. While these roles may be viewed as the fulfillment of familial duty, the emotional and psychological toll of being the eldest parentified daughter can be significant.
Understanding Parentification and Its Impact on the Eldest Daughter
Parentification refers to the process by which a child is expected to take on adult responsibilities that are typically outside their developmental capacity. This dynamic often occurs in families where one or both parents are emotionally or physically unavailable, either due to work, illness, preoccupation with particularly demanding siblings of the eldest daughter or other challenges. In these situations, the eldest daughter may become the de facto caregiver, taking on roles such as managing household chores, caring for younger siblings, providing emotional support to parents, or even stepping in as a mediator during family conflict.
Parentification is not limited to practical caregiving tasks; it can also extend into emotional labor, where the eldest daughter is expected to serve as a confidante or emotional support system for her parents, sometimes at the expense of her own emotional development. While this dynamic may stem from a family’s need for survival or emotional support, it can create a range of challenges for the eldest daughter in adulthood.
The Psychological and Emotional Toll of Being the Eldest Parentified Daughter
Loss of Childhood and Personal Development
One of the most significant impacts of parentification is the premature loss of childhood. The eldest parentified daughter is often deprived of the freedom to explore her own interests, develop her identity, and engage in typical childhood experiences. Instead of enjoying playtime, focusing on building friendships, discovering passions, she may spend her energy meeting the emotional or practical needs of her family. This early assumption of adult roles can hinder the development of healthy boundaries and self-esteem (Parker et al., 1997).
Complex Relationships with Siblings
Parentified daughters often function as the problem-solver within their families. They may be expected to continuously be on their best behavior in order to reduce their parents’ stressors. The eldest daughter may find herself in a caretaking role for younger siblings, which may contribute to feelings of resentment towards their needs. She may also witness her parents offer greater levels of care and attention to younger siblings who do not bear the same weight of parentification (given that this role has already been filled by the parentified daughter). As a result, the parentified daughter may experience complex feelings towards her sibling relationships. She may resent them due to the added responsibility they placed on her or she may experience jealousy towards the attention her siblings received that she did not.
The eldest parentified daughter may also have functioned as a trailblazer for her siblings. She is likely to have been the first to challenge unhealthy parent child dynamics, to speak up, to test boundaries-as a result paving the way for a more seamless path to opportunity for her siblings. This may lead to feelings of jealousy towards siblings who “had it easier” and who may take for granted the access she suffered to create for them.
Anxiety, Depression, and Burnout
Parentified daughters may experience high levels of anxiety and depression, largely due to the overwhelming responsibilities placed on them at a young age. The pressure to "hold everything together" for the family can create an internal narrative of perfectionism and fear of failure. As adults, they may feel persistent stress, fearing they are never doing enough or failing to meet their family’s needs.
The emotional toll of constantly giving without receiving adequate support can lead to burnout—a state of emotional exhaustion, cynicism, and detachment. While the parentified daughter may have learned to suppress her own needs to care for others, these unmet needs can eventually manifest in physical and emotional symptoms, such as chronic fatigue, insomnia, irritability, or an inability to engage in relationships in a healthy way (Baker, 2007).
Struggles with Boundaries and Relationships
The eldest parentified daughter is likely to have difficulty with setting healthy boundaries, both in her family and in her adult relationships. Because she has learned to prioritize others' needs over her own, she may struggle with feelings of guilt or anxiety when attempting to say no or assert her needs. This can manifest in romantic relationships, friendships, and even in the workplace, where the pattern of over-giving and people-pleasing continues.
Moreover, complex emotional dynamics within the family system can leave the parentified daughter feeling perpetually responsible for the happiness or well-being of her loved ones. This may create a barrier to developing healthy, balanced relationships outside the family. She may find herself pursuing codependent relationships, where her sense of self-worth is tightly tied to the approval or care of others.
How Therapy Can Help the Eldest Parentified Daughter Heal
Reclaiming Personal Identity and Childhood
Therapy offers the opportunity to reconnect with parts that may have been neglected in childhood. This process of self-discovery can help the parentified daughter explore her own interests, desires, and emotional needs that were set aside in favor of caregiving. Techniques such as narrative therapy and Internal Family Systems can help the daughter rewrite her life story, connect with wounded parts, honor her caregiving role while also reclaiming her right to a fulfilling personal life (White & Epston, 1990).
Building Healthy Boundaries
A crucial aspect of therapy for parentified daughters is learning how to set healthy boundaries. This is often one of the most challenging skills to build, as the parentified daugther has been conditioned to prioritize others’ needs above her own. Therapy can support her in embracing the importance of self-care, teach techniques for assertiveness, and empower her to say no without guilt. By learning to establish boundaries in relationships, she can begin to protect her emotional energy and develop healthier, more balanced interactions with others.
Healing from Guilt and Shame
Therapy can help parentified daughters address the deep-seated feelings of guilt and shame that arise from their caregiving roles. By exploring the origins of these feelings, a therapist can assist in reframing the daughter’s sense of responsibility, encouraging her to recognize that she is not responsible for the emotional or physical well-being of others to the detriment of her own health. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can be particularly effective in helping these women challenge the self-blame narrative and develop healthier, more realistic self-perceptions (Beck, 2011).
Addressing Anxiety, Depression, and Burnout
As many parentified daughters struggle with anxiety, depression, and burnout, therapy can offer effective coping strategies, such as mindfulness techniques, relaxation exercises, and cognitive restructuring. These tools help manage stress, reduce anxiety, and build emotional resilience. Therapy can also help parentified daughters address the root causes of their burnout, creating healthier patterns of self-care and emotional regulation.
Fostering Healthy Relationships
Finally, therapy can help the eldest daughter develop healthy relationships with others. Whether it’s with family, romantic partners, or friends, therapy helps these women learn how to engage in balanced, reciprocal relationships. They can begin to recognize toxic patterns, address codependency, and develop healthier communication and intimacy skills.
Conclusion
Being the eldest parentified daughter comes with a unique set of challenges—emotional burdens, a loss of childhood, and deep-rooted issues with boundaries and self-worth. However, through therapy, she can learn to reclaim her sense of self, set healthier boundaries, and heal from the psychological toll of her caregiving roles.
Citations
Baker, A. J. L. (2007). Parentification: The underappreciated and overlooked experience of childhood caregiving. Journal of Family Nursing, 13(4), 400-426.
Beck, A. T. (2011). Cognitive therapy: Basics and beyond (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Hooper, L. M., O'Hare, P. A., & Kahana, S. Y. (2011). Parentification, psychological well-being, and family functioning in young adults from parentally alcoholic homes. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 67(9), 1065-1077.
Parker, G., Fletcher, J., & McClure, G. (1997). The parentified child: The psychological effects of the parent-child role reversal. Journal of Family Therapy, 19(2), 235-254.
White, M., & Epston, D. (1990). Narrative means to therapeutic ends. Norton & Company.Anxiety consists of the interplay of two co-occurring beliefs-that something bad will happen and that, when that thing happens, we will be ill-equipped to cope.
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