Attachment Styles and Relationships

Sep 12

Written by: Janine Cheng

Published on September 17, 2024

What is my attachment style? And What does it mean for my relationships?

If you’ve spent any time on social media, you’ve probably heard about attachment styles. Attachment theory can be a helpful way to better understand your approach to dating. It can build insight into patterns in your behavior, thoughts and emotions and can clarify paths towards shifting these same patterns.

Attachment theory originates from John Bowlby, a psychologist who observed behavior in babies separated from their mothers. It was later expanded on by Mary Ainsworth. The theory suggests that humans are biologically predisposed to form strong emotional bonds with primary caregivers for survival and protection. These early attachments serve as templates for future relationships, shaping individuals' expectations, beliefs, and behaviors in social interactions. Bolwby’s studies displayed three stages of behavior as babies adjusted to the absence of their caregiver.

Protest: When an infant is separated from their primary caregiver, they first show signs of distress and protest. This includes crying, screaming, and actively trying to seek out the caregiver. The infant's behavior is a response to the abrupt change and a way of signaling their need for comfort and reassurance.
Despair: If the separation continues, the infant may enter the stage of despair. During this phase, the initial protest subsides, and the infant becomes quieter and more withdrawn. They may appear sad or apathetic and lose interest in their surroundings or activities. This stage reflects the infant's resignation to the situation and a sense of helplessness.
Detachment: In cases of prolonged separation, the infant may reach the stage of detachment. Here, the infant might start to show interest in interacting with others and become more accepting of new people. However, this behavior can be misleading, as it often reflects a coping mechanism rather than genuine adjustment. The infant may still harbor feelings of loss and longing for their caregiver.

Bowlby’s work emphasized the critical importance of a stable and consistent primary caregiver in an infant’s early development. He proposed that the quality of this attachment has profound implications for the child’s emotional and social development throughout their life. His findings have been foundational in understanding how early relationships impact psychological health and behavior.

Mary Ainsworth expanded on Bowlby’s work through her "Strange Situation" study, which observed infants' reactions to separations and reunions with their caregivers. Based on these observations, Ainsworth identified three primary attachment styles:

Secure Attachment: Characterized by comfort with intimacy and a balanced approach to independence and closeness.
Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment: Marked by high levels of anxiety about the availability of the caregiver and a preoccupation with attachment relationships.
Avoidant Attachment: Defined by a tendency to downplay the importance of relationships and a preference for self-sufficiency.

Later research introduced a fourth style, Disorganized Attachment, characterized by confusion or apprehension about relationships and often linked to inconsistent or frightening caregiver behavior (Ainsworth et al., 1978; Main & Solomon, 1990).

Attachment Styles in Relationships

1. Secure Attachment

Individuals with secure attachment styles tend to have relationships characterized by balance, trust and security. They are comfortable with both intimacy and independence, and they typically have effective communication skills and a positive outlook on relationships.

2. Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment

People with anxious-ambivalent attachment styles often experience heightened anxiety about their partner’s availability and responsiveness. They may exhibit clinginess or a preoccupation with the relationship, leading to patterns of excessive reassurance-seeking and heightened emotional reactivity. In dating, this can manifest as an intense need for validation and a tendency to become distressed over perceived relationship threats.

3. Avoidant Attachment

Those with avoidant attachment styles typically value independence and self-reliance, often to the detriment of their relational closeness. They may struggle with intimacy and might avoid dependency or emotional vulnerability. In the dating context, avoidant individuals might prioritize personal space and struggle with commitment, which can lead to difficulties in forming deep, lasting connections.

4. Disorganized Attachment

Disorganized attachment is characterized by a lack of clear strategy for dealing with relational stress, often resulting in erratic or unpredictable behaviors. This style can be traced to inconsistent or traumatic early caregiving experiences. In dating, individuals with disorganized attachment may exhibit a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors, leading to complex and often turbulent relationships.

Implications for Modern Dating

Understanding attachment styles can offer valuable insights into relationship dynamics and challenges. For example:

Communication: Knowledge of one's own attachment style can help individuals communicate more effectively with their partners. For instance, someone with an anxious attachment style might benefit from expressing their needs more clearly and seeking reassurance in healthy ways.

Conflict Resolution: Securely attached individuals often handle conflicts constructively, whereas anxiously attached individuals might become reactive, and avoidantly attached individuals might withdraw. Awareness of these tendencies can guide more effective conflict resolution strategies.

Compatibility: Recognizing the interplay between different attachment styles can aid in identifying compatible partners. Secure individuals often complement each other well, while anxious and avoidant pairs might face challenges that require intentional effort to address.

By illuminating the influence of early attachment experiences on adult attachment styles, we gain valuable insights into partner selection, communication patterns, and conflict resolution. Recognizing the impact of attachment dynamics empowers individuals and couples to cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships based on trust, empathy, and resilience.

Citations:

Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. Erlbaum.

Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment styles among young adults: A test of a four-category model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61(2), 226-244.

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Volume I. Attachment. Basic Books.

Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. R. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511-524.

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. Guilford Press.

Main, M., & Hesse, E. (1990). Parents' unresolved traumatic experiences are related to infant disorganized attachment status. In M. T. Greenberg, D. Cicchetti, & E. M. Cummings (Eds.), Attachment in the Preschool Years: Theory, Research, and Intervention (pp. 161-182). University of Chicago Press.

Main, M., & Solomon, J. (1990). Procedures for identifying infants as disorganized/disoriented during the Ainsworth Strange Situation. In M. T. Greenberg, D. Cicchetti, & E. M. Cummings (Eds.), Attachment in the Preschool Years: Theory, Research, and Intervention (pp. 121-160). University of Chicago Press.